Sunday, May 27, 2012

Joss Whedon To Kill Your Puppy

After a long week of trying to find your grandmother's heirloom--the one that would permanently close the portal of hell that opened up because your ex-lover turned robot opened it with his dreams--only to discover your grandmother wasn't really your grandmother, but in fact your mother, news is coming in that Joss Whedon is going to kill your puppy.

"I know it's been a hard year for you," Whedon said. "After the government took away your memory, and when you got it back you found out it was a little too late because you ended up shooting your sister in the back with a harpoon gun. And I know that week-long period where you were stuck in a coma dream world where things moved backwards and all your sexual frustrations manifested themselves in the form of Lust Monsters couldn't have been a walk in the park. But I think it's just time to kill your puppy."

"I have nothing against puppies," Whedon said at a press conference. "I just need to kill this one off to give your overall arc more depth."

As you will recall, your puppy, named Captain Snackems, was recently rescued by you from an evil pound that was selling puppy tears on the black market. You bonded very quickly with the puppy, and the bond grew even stronger when you discovered that you and the puppy shared a mental link, and could read each others thoughts. 

Also, you just got over a very recent scare where the puppy was stolen back by the evil pound owner, who was actually a witch. Luckily you got there in time to cut the head off of the witch and catch the puppy before it fell into a boiling cauldron. 

"You saved me," the puppy told you through mind-speach. "I will always love you."

"I'll always love you too," you told the puppy. "And whenever you get lost, I'll always find you."

"Yeah, it's about time to kill the puppy," Whedon recently reiterated, and went off to his laptop to go about ruining your life.

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