Review: I AM A GHOST

I Am a Ghost is one of those rare ghost stories that's told from the perspective of the one haunting the house, rather than those being haunted.

Anna Ishida is Emily, a woman from a seemingly Victorian time stuck in a loop. She keeps reliving the same random events every day, and she also finds herself communicating with a medium she can not see, named Sylvia. 

Emily died in the house she haunts, and Sylvia is trying to get her to move on--but it's not quite working, and neither woman can figure out why.

To say any more would spoil the film, so that's all you need to know. The less you know, the more effective this film is.

I Am a Ghost is a slow-burn, reminiscent of Ti West's House of the Devil, which also features a female character trapped in a spooky old house, slowly building towards a frightening climax.

This is essentially a one-woman show, and Anna Ishida does a fine job of carrying the film. She's not as polished as a "Hollywood actress", but this helps with the out-of-time nature of the character. 

Again, this is a slow-burn of a movie; some people may lose patience after seeing Emily cook the same two eggs for the fifth time, but the build up is worth it. When the horror finally kicks in, it's all the more effective.

It always helps to have a good setting for your film, especially if your film is of a lower-budget, and the old house in I Am a Ghost is perfect. It's clearly a real house--not a set--adding realism and a nicely preserved historical look. Director H.P. Mendoza employees a few nifty tricks to keep the mostly quiet movie engaging; for one thing, the film itself is presented in a frame reminiscent of an old photograph, with rounded edges. Split-screens and washed-out colors help with atmosphere and actually contribute to the film, rather than just feeling like they were added to "look cool."

If there's one complaint I have with the film, it's the (vocal) performance of Jeannie Barroga, as the psychic Sylvia. Never seen and only heard, Barroga's line-delivery feels very flat, almost as if she's just reading her lines off a piece of paper into a microphone, and not putting much feeling into them. But that's not enough of a problem to derail the movie. 

At 74 minutes, I Am a Ghost never over-stays its welcome. It knows just when to end, and doesn't drag things out any further than necessary. 

It may not be the slickest of ghost movies, but it's certainly one of the more effective, with a final act that will leave you chilled and disturbed. 

Review: LUNOPOLIS

I’ve watched Lunopolis twice now, and I feel like watching it a third time.

What a world this is where I want to watch a movie called Lunopolis three times!

This is the tagline of Lunopolis: There are people on the moon, they’re from the future, and they’re running our government.

Right away you want to throw this into the rubbish bin. But Lunopolis is a surprisingly fun movie about people who live on the moon and control our government. It seems really cheesy, and at times it is. But it’s also well done, and even creepy at times. Who knew a movie about Moon Men could be creepy? Not me, or Tom Hanks, who LOVES the moon, could have predicted such a thing.

The movie makes fun of Scientology and it has a fucking flying car in it. And a time machine. Also a moon rock. 

There’s a scene where a character yells “You can stop the charade, we HAVE your moon rock!” and is being serious.

Also, everyone who was ever good at anything or famous, like Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin, Hitler or Frankenstein was from the Moon. 

Why aren’t you watching this right now? It’s on Netflix Instant. It has a really cool soundtrack that sounds a lot like Explosions in the Sky and Mogwai. 

I give Lunopolis 4 out of 4 Moons.

Review: THE GREY

The Grey was a really poorly marketed film.

If you saw trailers or TV spots for the film, you probably got one thing out of it: LIAM NEESON FIGHTING FUCKING WOLVES OMG. HE MAKES “GLASS” KNUCKLES OUT OF TINY VODKA BOTTLES AND KILLS TEN THOUSAND WOLVES WHILE SCREAMING.

That is not at all what The Grey is like.

The Grey, believe it or not, is a surprisingly philosophical look at mortality and faith. Also it has killer wolves.

Liam Neeson stars as a sad, quiet, ass-kicking man named Ottway. He works for some oil company, where his job is to have a beard and also to shoot wolves and other animals so they wont eat the oil workers. 

Ottway and the rest of the workers are flying back to Anchorage Alaska when their plane goes bonkers and crashes. A bunch-o-people die, and the survivors go about trying to…survive. Easier said than done, because besides the fact that it’s freezing cold and snowy wind keeps blowing everywhere, they happen to have crashed near the den of a pack of big ass cartoon wolves who want to eat their fucking faces off.

One by one, the men are picked off by wolves, while Ottway tries to lead them to safety. 

The film was directed by Joe Carnahan, who made one good movie once, called Narc. Then everything he did after that was fucking awful. It’s nice to see he’s getting back into the “good movie” game. It looks like he’s been watching some Christopher Nolan films, because the film has a very Nolan-esq vibe to it.

It would have been VERY easy for The Grey to go wrong. I mean, just the premise alone—a bunch of guys fighting off wolves—screams B-MOVIE. But the script, by Carnahan and Ian Mackenzie Jeffers, goes above and beyond what is expected of it. Instead of just having the group of men be stereotypical, underdeveloped hard-asses, the script fleshes each character out, so that when they meet their wolfy demise, it actually is effective. We WANT these guys to survive. They don’t though…(SPOILERZ).

Liam Neeson is always good, even when he’s in garbage. But he does some of his best work in years in The Grey. He doesn’t feel like he’s collecting a paycheck—he feels like he’s embodying the character he’s playing.

It’s important to go into The Grey with a clear head, and NOT expecting it to be about LIAM NEESON: WOLF PUNCHER. It’s also important to go into the film realizing you’re going to walk out feeling really depressed.

A good alternate title for the film would be THE GREY: IS GOD REAL? NO HE’S NOT.

I give The Grey 4 Wolves out of 4.

Review: EXIT HUMANITY

ZOMBIE MOVIES!

Are you sick of them yet? I sure as hell am.

There was a time when the prospect of new zombie films was very exciting. Now, there seems to be a new low-budget indie zombie movie hitting Redbox and Netflix every week.

In this day and age of zombie overload, Exit Humanity does the impossible and creates a pretty original and interesting zombie film.

Exit Humanity is set several years after the end of the Civil War. Edward Young (Mark Gibson) is a shell of a man, having lost both his wife and his son to the walking dead. Pretty much done with life, Edward sets off to do one final task: scatter his sons ashes at a waterfall that brought him peace during the war.

Along the way he blows away zombies, and runs into Issac, who also is pretty adept at zombie killing. Issac says that a crazy general (Bill Moseley) and his gang of crazy soldiers have kidnapped Issac's sister, along with a bunch of other people, in hopes of finding a "cure" to the zombie outbreak.

So Edward agrees to help Issac, and before long, Edward, Issac and Issac's sister Emma are hiding out with a woman named Eve (played by the mom from E.T., aka Dee Wallace). Eve is thought of as a witch, and she has a few secrets she's not very proud of.

Meanwhile, the general and his men are out for blood, and chaos ensues.

Exit Humanity has a very simple story, and the whole "crazy evil army people looking for a cure" story-line is a nice little nod to Day of the Dead, but what drives the film is its competent production values. This is clearly a low budget film, but director John Geddes does a great job of not letting you realize that. The film looks gorgeous, and Geddes applies a neat little trick: whenever he has a scene that would require a bigger budget, it's presented as an animation, which ties into the sketches that Edward Young makes in his journal.

Also adding greatly to the film is Brian Cox, who narrates the story with Terrence Malick-esqe prose. 

But Exit Humanity is not without its flaws. The biggest is that the movie feels way too long. It starts to lag in the middle, and it's clear that a lot of padding is going on to stretch things out. Trimmed of about ten to twenty minutes, the film would be much tighter. 

I love Bill Moseley; he is of course a genre favorite. But he's pretty terrible in the movie. The rest of the cast does a fantastic job, which causes Moseley to stand out like a sore thumb as he chews the scenery and yells and knocks things over trying to act crazy. The movie also loses some points for totally wasting awesome character actor Stephen McHattie in a pretty thankless, nothing role. Things would have been better suited if Moseley and McHattie had switched characters.

This may seem a bit nit-picky since this is a low-budget film, but the zombie make-up is inconsistent and distracting. At times, it looks really good--creepy and effective. At others it looks like total crap--like people with white goop smeared on their faces. 

But overall, Exit Humanity does a pretty good job of injecting some life into the zombie genre. 

The music is very good, as is the costume design; these things are important. A good soundtrack and good costumes can make your low budget schlock look like a million bucks.

The zombie genre may be beating an undead horse (see what I did there??), but Exit Humanity takes it into a different direction, and succeeds where so many others have failed. 

I'm not afraid, I'm ANGRY.

I made this; as an homage to the Assault on Precinct 13 poster. 

Cannibal Corpse - I Cum Blood (Metal Spoken Word)

If I lose the light

"If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I will write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always. I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you."

Henry Rollins

July

July is almost over. Ever closer to autumn.



Explosions pillaging the night 
From the fireworks on the fourth of July 
It's just my lady, our friends, and I 
Smoking cigars and yelling at cars as they drive by

We scaled a ladder ascending to the roof 
While five years ago I weeped and no one knew
Holding my guitar, I strummed a tune 
I sang "I love you but I have to cut you loose"

As the neighbor lights off the small bombs we watch 
from the rooftop... safely, so safely

If I had never let go, then only God knows where I would be know
I made a bridge between us then I slowly burned it 
Five years ago, in my backyard I sang love away
Little did I know that real love had not quite yet found me

Feelings

EXCERPTS FROM THE HAUNTED HOUSE BUYER’S MARKET

Due to laws passed requiring realtors to provide full disclosure on their properties, we are obligated to tell you if a house might be traditionally referred to/believed to be “haunted.” To help reduce the amount of inquirers, we have compiled a listing of the following properties.

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34 Weetamoe Rd

Center Ossipee, NH 03814

Year round home on Ossipee lake with spectacular views of lake and mountains. Beds: 2. Baths: 1. Sqft: 572. Year built: 1940

Original owner, Carter Boggs, murdered his entire family on Christmas Eve, cutting off their heads and decorating his Christmas tree with their entrails. He then sat down for a quiet Christmas dinner.

Subsequent residents have reported hearing strange noises in the bedroom where Boggs killed his family. Occasionally, lights flicker on and off; no electrical problems have been found. On Christmas Eve every year, horrible blood-piercing shrieks sound all around the house. Blood-like substance (possibly blood) leeks from faucets.

Great value at $279,000!

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77 Starboard Ln UNIT 1

Moultonborough, NH 03254

Rare end unit with attached garage. Close to heated pool and your own private 26' deep water dock. Beds: 3. Baths: 3. Sqft: 2,552. Year built: 1975.

A previous occupant was an occultist who conducted black masses in basement, sacrificing several animals. The family who lived in the house most recently reports that low, horrible animal-like sounds come from the floorboards. A "demonic" (source required) face was spotted in the bathroom mirror, speaking Latin.

A steal at $439,000.

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13 Natalie’s Way

Gilford, NH 03249

Bank Owned

Serene and elegant, this private Governor's Island home is a dream. Set on almost 4 beautifully landscaped acres with westerly mountain and lake views. Beds: 3. Baths: 3. Sqft: 3,483 Year built: 1932.

Former tenants found several wasp nests in the attic. After calling an exterminator to gas the wasps, the wasps returned every night around midnight, screaming human-like screams. Human remains found walled-up in closet. Entire family reported vivid, murder-filled nightmares.

$432,299.

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299 Linden St

Exeter, NH 03833

Victorian with 3 yr. old heating system, new side stairs, fresh paint on exterior trim and porches and many interior improvements. Beds: 4. Baths: 4. Sqft: 2,404. Year built: 1890.

House built on former Native American burial ground by Dr. Robert Tweed, who was known as the Butcher of Exeter, due to his infamous, unnecessary surgeries on unsuspecting young women. Many occupants have reported that the house "moves"; they claim that looking out the window, they would no longer see their yard or front street, but a swirling black void. Upstairs windows will not open, despite frequent attempts to pry them.

Pregnant women reportedly miscarry while dwelling or even visiting the house. A dog-like creature prowls the yard during heavy rainfalls, his eyes glowing red. Dr. Tweed himself has been spotted standing on the roof, naked, laughing maniacally before vanishing into thin air.

Price heavily reduced due to lengthy time on the market.

$80,000 or best offer!

RISE

I really want to write a review of the Dark Knight Rises, but I think I need to see it again to get all of the details right.

For now I'll just say that I loved it. It was a perfect conclusion to the trilogy, with incredible action and emotion. Anne Hathaway totally knocked it out of the park as Catwoman, and Tom Hardy was brutal and terrifying as Bane.

Again, I need to watch it again before I form a "final opinion", but right now I think I honestly like this one the most of all three films.

Wake me when it gets here...

Sharp